LAVENDER SKIES

 TRAVELING THROUGH THE TIMELESS OF TIMES,
 SEARCHING FOR WHAT I LEFT BEHIND,
 HOPING TO FIND PIECES OF ME, 
BUT THEY ARE  SCATTERD THROUGH, 
PIECES OF YOU. 

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: JOLIE HOLLAND

WHEN I SEARCHED GOOGLE TO SEE IF I AM A PART OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB THIS IS WHAT I FOUND:

THAT IS ME IN THE BLUE RAIN COAT. WE ARE BLOCKING THE LOGGING ROAD TO AN ANCIENT REDWOOD GROVE IN HUMBOLDT COUNTY. THIS IS THE GROVE WHERE FELLOW EARTH FIRSTER! DAVID "GYPSY" CHAIN WAS MURDERED BY AN IRATE LOGGER. THIS WAS IN 1997, THE SAME YEAR I LIVED IN A 170 FOOT ANCIENT REDWOOD IN THAT SAME GROVE AND I WAS ALSO IN THE FILM, FIRE IN THE EYES, ABOUT THE PEPPER SPRAY INCIDENTS THAT ALSO TOOK PLACE THAT YEAR, IN THE FILM I AM WARING THE SAME BLUE RAIN COAT.

I AM ALSO MENTION ON THE INTERNET DUE TO A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE IN THE FRESNO BEE. IT WAS WRITTEN WHEN I WAS FOLLOWING AN ANI DIFRANCO TOUR ALL OVER CALIFORNIA.

HERE IT IS:

Mike Osegueda  put this article in the newspaper...

I knew Ani only peripherally and never had seen her perform.

So in August, when Sunday's Fresno show was announced, before I could even tell Mazur, she told me "Ani's coming to Fresno" and offered herself as my official tour guide into the world of Ani.

Sunday, we stood outside the Tower Theatre; she chatted with other Ani followers (it's like a cult). I took in the surroundings. The diversity was dynamic. There were young and old, punkers and prepsters, gays and straights, nationalities of all types and hair of all colors.

It was a mix of locals and people like Mazur, who follow Ani from town to town. Ani speaks to them. She's a model of nonconformity, doing music her way, on her own label, without the help of big corporations.

"She's universal," Mazur says. "Ani is the soundtrack to so many lives."

It seemed that way. Mazur introduced some of the caravan of fans.

There was Stephanie Sauer, 26, a medical assistant from Rohnert Park, who was wearing a T-shirt with "The media is not fooling me" printed on it, a line from an Ani poem called "Self Evident."

Sauer planned a 13-day vacation around the tour's California dates. She drives from city to city, sleeping in her Mazda Miata when she has to. The same way Ani did her first tours, driving from city to city, sleeping in her Volkswagen.

"She's so raw and organic," Sauer says of the singer.

SO THERE IT IS........THAT IS WHAT I FOUND WHEN I GOOGLED ME....

---LAVENDER---

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: MICHAEL FRANTI

ANI DIFRANCO LYRICS                          

"Sunday Morning"

Sunday morning
Slow beats seething
Through the screens in
The open windows
Eggs frying
Legs shaking
After we stayed lying
So long in bed
Sunday morning
Both of us reading
And looking up occasionally
Looking up occasionally

Sunday morning
You're doing your thing
And I am doing mine
Speaking words
More a formality
Cuz we can feel we
Are of one mind
Sunday morning
Sheets still warm
Kitties swarming
Around our feet
Life comes easy
Your sweet company
Making it so complete

Of all the Monday through Fridays
We joined the crusade
Of all the Saturday nights
In which we were made
Of all the exorcisms
I've done with your ghosts
Still it's Sunday morning
I miss you the most

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: ANI DIFRANCO (SUNDAY MORNING)

Have you ever seen a sign,   That upon a time, There were angels, We all lose track, Was upon our backs, Feel the weight of them, Why they fall is hard tell, But some things you can buy yourself, Yeah we all hurt the ones we love, And we don't need a reason, We only give what we think we deserve, An' that's something to believe in, I think I've seen a sign, But its a very fine line, If you want it all, An' don't lose track, For on our back, There's no weight of wings, When they shine is hard to say, But some things never fade away, We only hurt the ones we love, Why we don't need a reason, We only give what we think we deserve, An' that's something to believe in, So I've been calling angels down to Earth, An' I don't need a reason, Calling angels down to Earth, Because I believe we need them, We only hurt the ones we love, Why we don't need a reason, Gonna get all that you deserve, And all that you believe in, Do you believe in, Do you need them, If you need them, Do you know, Do you need them, If you need them, Do you know, Do you need them, If you need them.

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: DONT NEED A REASON

AZRAEL TRANSLATES TO "WHOM GOD HELPS". HE HELPS BRING DEPARTEDE SOULS TO HEAVEN, HEALS THEGRIEF STRICKEN, AND ALSO ASSISTS THOSE WHO ARE CONSOLING THE BEREAVED. REGARDED AS THE "ANGEL OF DEATH" IN HEBREW AND ISLAMIC TRADITION, AZRAEL IS ASSOCIATED WITH ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL AND KING SOLOMON.

THIS ANGEL IS THERE FOR ME AND MY BABIES. TWO YEARS AGO 3 LITTLE GIRLS ENTERED MY LIFE AFTER THEIR MOTHER PASSED AWAY AT ONLY 28 YEARS OF AGE. THE LITTLE GIRLS (wHO ARE ANGELS AS WELL), WERE ONLY 4, 7 7 10N AT THE TIME OF THEIR MOTHERS DEATH. THE NIGHT BEFORE LAST WAS THANKSGIVING AND KIMBERLY, NOW 9 HAD THE KIND OF BREAKDOWN THAT NO CHILD SHOULD. THE HOLLIDAYS ARE THE HARDEST. AND JUST THIS EVENING JOELEEN, FIVE, THE BABY, TOLD ME HER HEART WAS SAD AND THAT HER MOMMY AMY TOLD HER TO BE SAD. AZRAEL GUIDES ME ON HOW TO COMFORT THESE CHILDREN SEEING AS EVEN THOUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS ROUGH I COULD NEVER TRUELY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR MOMMY WHEN YOU ARE SO LITTLE, AZRAEL HELPS ME TO COMFORT THEM AND HE EASES THEIR PAIN AS WELL. NO CHILD SHOULD HAVE TO FEEL THE KIND OF PAIN THAT THEY HAVE AND ARE FEELING BUT I AM THANKFUL TO AZRAEL FOR BEING HERE AND I HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY WILL UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ANGEL TOOK THEIR MOMMY TO A BETTER PLACE, A PLACE WHERE SHE IS AN ANGEL AND BECAUSE SHE IS AN ANGEL SHE WILL NEVER BE APART FROM THEM, NEVER REALLY GONE. ALWAYS A PART OF THEM.

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: SARAH MCLACHLAN

                                

HIS NAME MEANS "HE WHO HEALS". HE HEALS AILMENTS AND GUIDES HEALERS AND WOULD-BE HEALERS. HE'S ONE OF THE THREE PRESENTLY SAINTED ARCHANGELS (THE OTHERS BEING MICHAEL AND GARIEL, ALTHOUGH AT ONE TIME SEVEN ARCHANGELS WERE CANONIZED). IN THE BOOK OF TOBIT (A CANONICAL BIBLE WORK), RAPHAEL DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS A SERVENT BEFORE THE GLORY OF THE LORD. HE IS BELIEVED TO BE ONE OF THE THREE ARCHANGELS WHO VISITED THE PATRIARCH ABRAHAM. BECAUSE HE ASSISTED TOBIAS ON HIS JOURNEY, RAPHAEL IS CONSIDERED A PATRON SAINT OF TRAVELERS. HIS MAIN ROLE, THOUGH, IS IN HEALING AND ASSISTING OTHERS.


RAPHAEL IS ONE OF MY MOST POWERFUL ANGELS. I HAVE BEEN HEARING MY CALLING FOR MANY MANY YEARS NOW. MY CALLING TO REALIZE THE SHAMANESS THAT I AM. I AM A HEALER. RAPHAEL HELPS ME TO REMEMBER THAT I DON'T NEED ANY FANCY DOCTRINE OR DEGREES TO DO MY WORK AS A HEALER. HE AND ARIEL HELPED ME TO GET INTO THE FEILD I AM CURRENTLY IN. I WORK FOR DOCTORS OF THE HEART. I AM A MEDICAL ASSISTANT AT ONE OF THE BEST CARDIOLOGIST OFFICES THERE ARE. THERE I DO MY WORK. THE WORK THEY ASK OF ME AS WELL AS THE HEALING WORK THAT THE ANGELS AND ANCESTOR SHAMANS ASK OF ME. I AM BEING GUIDED BY RAPHAEL TO INCREASE THE OPPORTUNITIES FOR ME TO DO MY HEALINGS. ALSO HE IS THE ONE WHO IS WORKING ON HEALING ME. HE KNOWS I SUFFER FROM EATING DISORDERS AND HE KNOWS THE AGONY I QUIETLY ENDURE. HE IS HEALING ME SO THAT I CAN BETTER HEAL OTHERS.

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: BETH ORTON

HIS NAMES MEANS "HE WHO IS LIKE GOD". HE RELEASES US FROM FEAR AND DOUBT, PROTECTS US, AND CLEARS AWAY NEGATIVITY. USUALLY CONSIDERED THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL THE ARCHANGELS, HE'S DESCRIBED IN THE BIBLE AND OTHER CHRISTIAN, JEWISH, AND ISLAMIC SACRED TEXTS AS PERFORMING HEROIC ACTS OF PROTECTION. MICAHEL IS THE PATRON SAINT OF POLICE OFFICERS BECAUSE HE PROTECTS AND LENDS COURAGE TO THOSE WHO INVOKE HIM. HE OVERSEES THE ANGELIC REALM KNOWN AS THE "VIRTUES".

HE GIVES ME THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO FACE MY FEARS. HE WAS MY SIDE AT MY DEPOSITION AND HE WILL BE THERE AGAIN FOR MY SECOND DEPOSITION. HE ALSO GIVES ME STRENGTH TO BE PROUD OF WHO I AM EVEN WHEN EVETERING THE BATTLEFIELD OF JUDGMENTAl PEOPLE. HE HELPS TO KEEP ME POSITIVE EVEN WHEN ALL SEEMS DARK.

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Music: TORI AMOS

 
JEREMIEL TRANSLATES TO "MERCY OF GOD". HE DEALS WITH EMOTIONS, HELPING US TO REVIEW AND TAKE INVENTORY OF LIVES SO THAT WE MAY FORGIVE, AND HELPS US PLAN FOR POSSITIVE CHANGE. ANCIENT JEWISH TEXTS LIST JEREMIEL AS ONE OF THE SEVEN CORE ARCHANGELS. BECAUSE BARUCH, A PROLIFIC FIRST CENTURY JEWISH APOCRYPHAL AUTHOR, WAS ASSISTED BY JEREMIEL, THIS ARCHANGEL IS BELIEVED TO HELP WITH PROPHETIC VISIONS.

JEREMIAL IS NEAR ME AND ASSISTS ME WITH THE CAHNGES THAT ARE TAKING PLACE IN MY LIFE. HE IS HELPING ME TO REMEMBER THE CORE OF WHO I AM. 

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Music: TEGAN AND SARA

ARIEL MEANS, "LIONESS OF GOD". SHE HELPS US PROVIDE FOR OUR PHYSICAL NEEDS (SUCH AS MONEY, SHELTER, AND SUPPLIES). ARIEL ALSO ASSISTS WITH ENVIROMENTAL CAUSES, AND THE CARE AND HEALING OF ANIMALS. ARIEL WORKS WITH ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL (WHO ALSO HEALS AND HELPS ANIMALS), AND THE ANGELIC REALM CALLED THE "THRONES". HISTORICALLY, SHE'S ASSOCIATED WITH KING SOLOMON AND THE GNOSTICS, WHO BELIEVED THAT ARIEL RULED THEW WINDS. 

SHE HELPS ME WITH MY CONNECTEDNESS TO NATURE AND SHE SHOWS ME HOW TO BETTER USE MY ENERGIES IN REGARDS TO LIVING A GREENER, MORE SUSTAINABLE LIFE, AS WELL AS GUIDES ME IN WAYS TO AVOID CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL WARMING.
           SHE IS ALSO BY MY SIDE THROUGH THESE TIME OF FINANCIAL HARDSHIP.  SHE HAS LEAD ME IN THE DIRECTION OF A NEW CAREER AND I AM GREATFULL TO HER FOR ALL THAT SHE PROVIDES.

Current Location: CALIFORNAI
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: ANI DIFRANCO

GABRIEL MEANS "MESSENGER OF GOD". THIS ARCHANGEL HELPS MESSENGERS SUCH AS WRITERS, TEACHERS, AND JOURNALISTS. GABRIEL ALSO HELPS PARENTS WITH CHILD-REARING, CONCEPTION, OR ADOPTION. SOME FAITHS BELIEVE THAT GABRIEL IS A MALE PERSONA, WHILE OTHERS PERCIEVE HER AS FEMININE. GABRIEL DELIVERED THE ANNUNCIATION TO ZACHARIAS AND MARY, AS RECORDED IN THE BOOK OF LUKE, ANNOUNCING THE FORTHCOMING BIRTHS OF JOHN THE BAPTIST AND JESUS. IN THE OLD TESTAMENT, GABRIEL SAVED ABRAHAM'S SON LOT FROM SODOM'S DESTRUCTION. MOHAMMED SAID THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL DICTATED THE KORAN TO HIM.

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: THE BE GOOD TANYAS

 284 weeks.....How many years is that? OVER FOR YEARS!!!!!!  That is an extremely long writers block If I do say so myself.....

The ebbs and flows of life's hurricanes have blown me so far away from my true self.......I had simply forgotten who I was or what I was about, I must admit that deep down I still felt a flame of the true meaning of me a glow......I just forgot how to burst that glow into the wildfires that I used to warm myself in.

Well something wonderful seems to be happening, and I am thankful to the Angels for this....

I miss Me......And I am ready to work with the Angels to relearn myself........

I would like to give thanks to some of the Angels who are specifically at my side currently.....

I will dedicate a separate entry for each one......

It's good to be back.

---LAVENDER---


 

Current Location: CALIFORNIA
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Here I go again... Finding myself dwelling over my
material things. It is wonderful to have my own apartment.
i even have a nice little garden in the front. I don't
want to let go of the comfort this place offers me. I like
sitting here in my own room on my computer in the dark.
It's a strange thing to be me. As soon as I start getting
comfortable that is when I rip my own roots out of the
ground and send them into shock. Poor me I am
transplanting once again.

Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Eddi Brickel

I am in my dark apartment surrounded by my own mess. I
want so badly to jump in my car and leave right now.
Anywhere but here. I want to make this move right though.
I beleive that my patience will pay off in the end.
I have a class tonight at the California school of Herbal
study on Sea weed and it's many uses.
Tomorrow morning is the feild trip to the ocean to get
hands on experience with the sea weed. I love sea weed!!
Sunday is Father's Day. I got my Dad a fish shaped
choclate since he loves fish and two lovely framed
pictures of me, his sweet daughter.(wonder what he thinks
of my bald head? hehe.)

I got a speeding ticket some time back when I was late
for work. (Dumb! they fired me anyway!) I am doing the
online traffic school course. It's taking forever! I have
to have that finished by Augaust. All these little things
that are keeping my fins nailed to the floor. I do see a
light at the end of the tunnel. I am blessed with the
knowledge that out of chaos comes order. You can't have
one withouht the other.

I am 25 years old and have been wanting to wander all of
my life. As far as I can remember It seems I was always
tied down in some way or another. From Birth to twelve I
lived with my Mother and her pedophile of a man. At age
twelve, enough was enough and I figured my way out of my
Mother's life by finding my way into my Real Father's
life. Another Trap but a much more appropriate one. At
least he kept his hands to him self. I should really give
credit to where credit is due and that is to my
Grandmother, Janis Sauer. My Father's Mother. She is the person I
told of the happenings
between my Step-father and I and she is the one who
notified the authorities and got me closer with her son
stacey Sauer, My dad. I Moved into with my Dad and my Step
mother Mimi Sauer when I was thirteen, that would have been
around 1990 I reckon. They live in Rohnert Park Ca.
I lived with My Dad until I was 18 and as soon as I
graduated High school I took off alone to Seattle
Washington and there I got my first waitressing job. Two
of my Punk boy friends from high school, Josh Doan and
David Wiesman, herd I took off to Seattle and being the
crazy punks they are, hitched hiked from Rohnert park Ca. to the
restaurant I worked at in Seattle Wa.! They inspired me to Quit my
job and
go to Canada with them. So at 18 I found myself with two
crazy boys in Canada Aaahhh the freedom tasted so good.
We hitched hiked all the way back to Rohnert Park Ca. From
vancouver Canada. What a trip.

Around 1996 my Step-sister Jessica Berenstein passed away
at age 23 giving birth to my niece Jazzlyn who has
survived her for six years now. Jazzlyn has epilepsy and
cerebral palsy. She has changed my Father and Step-
Mother's life forever, As well as any one who is lucky
enough to be in her presence.

In 1997 I was doing activism in Humboldt county with Earth
First! I lived in a hundred and seventy foot ancient
redwood tree for a month to prevent the loggers from
cutting it down. I could see Julia Butterfly's tree sit
from my tree. When I climbed back down to earth I got a
job in a machine factory In hopes to save money for a car
to go back to Humboldt county in. I was sure that activism
was where my passion was. (and I believe it still is.)
Unfortunately my negligent supervisor crushed my right hand
in a 200 ton punch press that cuts holes out of metal
signs while attempting to teach me "an easier way". So since 1997
I
have had many reconstructive surgeries,
months of counseling, prescriptions for anti-depressants,
physical therapy, and on top of it all, I am now a certified
M.A./Phlebotomists due to worker's comp. Vocational
training.
August 20th 2000 I got hired at the Russian River health
center as an M.A. and on May 10th 2002 I lost my job due
to tardiness. So now here it is July thirteenth And I am
tempted to taste that freedom again.

I'm Floating free under the ease of the gentle breaze. Harmony and sunbeams over seize my seas of emotions. The waves crash and charge me. the depths they bring me to.The Ocean floor all vibrant and radiant,the colors run over me, colliding colorful spectrums in my eyes.I grab a hold tight to their tales as they kaleidoscope by.

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Tegan and Sara

Empty places too many face's opening to a world unknown. Alone on my own in a single way, trying to find my way. Stranded in a fucked up nothing, loving unconditionally. Free mind free slates free to change these mistakes.
Not really too sure of what all of this is but I know it is of water consistency, in which I am wading my way through. It hurts more on my right side but my left is catching up quick. Steff be nimble Steff be Quick, Steff pick up the candle stick and light the path...I write without a plan it's destiny is unknown, I flow and go and stop and drop a few nonsense lines here and there, never the less I know what is hidden here.. A freaky free minded righteous place where my exsistance can rest in it's own grace...

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Not a pretty girl

the flame was burning her bright glow bright..
the wind blowing with all of her might.
The burning flame wanted the winds cool kisses
but knew they were yet another thing a flame misses..
The flame cries out to the wind,
too close
I need my glow
it's all I know
I'm a flame
and your the wind
and it's a shame,
and the wind replied
no shame, you are my flame I will not blow you out for I will only help you shout
and your flame will burst out
brush fires
wild fires
all in you.
you are my flame.
I want to see you combust
in you I trust
your fire eyes fire flies in my cries...

Current Mood: burning
Current Music: Ani D-I loved you so what..

My freedom to choose is the weight I ware on my neck.. the passion I feel is the heart on my sleeve. The burden in my hand are scars that run deep.
Nothing can they keep
I will always have more
I will overflow and combust
I will rise above.
can't scar my mouth shut...

enraged pissed the Fuck off...
it hurts
the trees cut
my dog killed by a too fast car
my tool to touch your face with, crushed, by their machines...
I will always have more
I will overflow and combust
I'll rise above
you can't scar my mouth shut..

Current Mood: sratching at my scars
Current Music: tegan and sara

Remember to remember. They teach us to forget, what we call our own where we call our home, don't let them make you forget don't give in to the regret. Don't regret..don't regret..Learn to yearn for understanding ,don't give into to the narrow minded commanding... Remember we can heal our own they can't make profit of the toxins they put in us....My body , my body oh , my fire. My womb of passion... I carry a fire constantly in search of fuel. it resinates colors through me. Moon beams.. prisms..Prisms rainbow..Prisms... My passion...My soul, my breast, my hips, my lips my tits, that which is I, is not a commodity...

Current Mood: blinded by inspiration..
Current Music: Tegan and sara